Thursday, September 2, 2010

sometimes it hurts so bad

this ache inside my heart. This yearning for another sweet baby to love and cuddle, this yearning for our dear family of three to become a family of four (or even more). and it just hurts so bad as I sit there listening to yet another doctor tell me in his very own words "it's like a snowballs chance in hell" that I will conceive again. I couldn't even carry Carter to full term, delivered early, and now I cannot conceive. But I am girl....aren't we supposed to conceive? Are we not supposed to go forth and create new life? I don't get it. This hurt, this aching, this never ending cycle of hoping, wishing, praying that this will be the month. That this will be the month that I will see two pink lines instead of one. That this will be the month that I get to say " I am pregnant" instead of saying "oh my gosh I am so happy for you, that you are pregnant". Don't get me wrong, I am truly happy for those who can think baby and end up pregnant the next day. But gosh, really, I am jealous. And I hope and pray that they realize the blessings they have been given. What I wouldn't give to be them...probably both my ovaries! But I keep going hoping, wishing, praying that this will be the month. That this will be the month that I get to fill this baby void like no other. That this will be the month that I get to go into a store and buy my fill of sweet baby goodness. That this will be the month that I can reach across the car and wipe tears of joy of Matt's sweet cheeks instead of seeing eyes of hurt and disappointment, knowing full well that I cannot heal the hurt that is in both our hearts. And for Carter, a sibling. Oh my, there could be no greater gift for him. How he would love to sit and play and sing and fight and grow up knowing the love betweeen brothers or even a sister for that matter. That this would be the month for all these things. But after months of meds, shots, ultrasounds and appointment after appointment, it looks like it won't be this month either or not even next month for that matter. It will just be another month of putting on smiles as someone says, "So when are you going to give Carter a sister or a brother". I smile, my heart screams and what I really want to say is, "well as soon as I get $20,000 and an ovary that ovulates". Or when another says "it will happen when you least expect it"....well by now it has been three years and we "least expect it" and still nothing. Or another says, "it is God's will". Ok, fine and dandy, but is it also God's Will for all the little babies to be born into families who cannot care for them or love them or hurt and neglect them? I don't think so, so I don't find it His Will for this either. So for now we carry on with heavy hearts and hurt a mile wide and with so much thankfulness for our one sweet little bundle of joy that is getting so tall now that he comes to my waist. We carry on but still sometimes it hurts so bad, this aching inside my heart.

4 comments:

Nana said...

If you only knew how much my and dad's hearts ache for you and Matt! We would love to see the happiness in your eyes telling us that you are expecting. I wish I could take all the disappointment and hurt you feel away! We love you and are always praying for you.

Holly said...

Oh Jamie!! You do NOT know how much MY heart aches for you as well...I cannot tell you how often I think of you...and hope and pray that this will be the month that you surprise us all with the exciting news that you are expecting! I can't say I can even begin to know what you have and are going through...all I can say is that I love you and want nothing more than for you to be able to hold another little bundle of joy in your arms...and for it be YOUR bundle of joy again this time! I just wish I could take your hurt away...I really do.

Jenni Quesenberry said...

Jamie Lynn, I know that pain. I have felt that void so big it's like a canyon in your heart... I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this. Have faith that God points us in different directions for unknown reasons. You and Matt will become parents again someday, somehow. Just breathe...

Ashley and Brian said...

Jamers, I love you. You and Matt are wonderful parents and I wish nothing more than for you to be able to have another baby and raise another wonderful child. I pray for you daily and am confident that one day everything will be how it should be.I love you and wish there was something I could do.